last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
