what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
