My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
