shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
