Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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