I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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