he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
