im about as happy as oj after his trial
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
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beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
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You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.