Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
