I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
