Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
