Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
