you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
