i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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