sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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