It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
