Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
