Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
