woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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