Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The power of my boobs compel you
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
