is your mom at the bar?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
