with your own penis?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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