my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
