i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
