I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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