I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
