Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
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I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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