What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
