I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
