soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
