ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
