I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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