Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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