I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
