a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
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I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.