i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator