sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
