I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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