make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
