Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
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we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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