she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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