i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
