So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
