and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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