how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
