My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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