I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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