she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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