If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
