I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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