I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
