PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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