I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
