Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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