I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
