Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Randomize
