don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
