I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
